A secret order of The Kraken, open only to those who faithfully worship the heinous sea beast and the black rum which bears its name. Members receive 10% discounts on Kraken merchandise, in addition to special privileges and gifts.
(Click Here to access our top-secret members area.)
1. How strong is The Kraken?
It can devour ten sharks.
It can devour ten aquariums full of sharks.
It can devour ten cities full of buildings, people, and also some sharks.
It is strong, please enjoy responsibly!
2. Have you read The Comprehensive and Complete Anthology of Deadly Kraken Assaults Vol. IV-A?
I have memorized it.
I skimmed it.
I wrote it.
I burned it for warmth while enjoying The Kraken Rum.
3. How well do you know The Kraken?
The Kraken is my father.
I know several unsettling rumors about The Kraken.
The Kraken is the dark master of my soul.
I enjoy the delicious taste of The Kraken Rum with my companions.
1. Which shade of black describes the color of your soul?
2. When watching the film "Titanic", did a voice inside you secretly chant "sink, sink, sink"?
Sure, I guess, a bit, maybe.
Yes, a lot.
I'm still chanting this, years later.
3. Which of these sounds is most pleasing to you?
The friendly tinkle of a bell.
The soothing resonance of a violin.
The gentle patter of falling raindrops.
The gentle patter of screaming people.
4. Is there a Hell?
Yes, it is where bad people go.
Yes, it where my friends and I like to hang out.
Hell is a human construct, made to impose artificial moral order on a fundamentally chaotic and meaningless existence.
Hell hath no fury like The Kraken's scorn.
1. How would you rate your combat skills?
I invented karate.
I invented getting beaten up by people who know karate.
One time I spit on a tall man's stomach through my car windows.
I'm the guy in "Kickboxer" who dipped his hands in honey and then in broken glass.
2. Which weapon will you use to defend yourself against The Kraken?
3. The Kraken attacks! What will you do?
Hide below deck and possibly soil myself.
Hide below deck and definitely soil myself.
Stare directly into The Kraken's massive black eye until it comprehends the dark depths of my bleak soul and retreats in mutual understanding.
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I have three bartenders on staff aboard my schooner
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